Those whom the Gods would preserve, they first ferment

The gods sent us not one gift but two beginning with F. Fire we all know, but what about fermentation? What would life be without this little wonder? And what other gifts beginning with F have they sent us? Forget fishing, fisting, or frotting; the idea is that a gift is something that does not immediately look useful, or takes some time before the benefit becomes apparent. I've chosen flatulence, because it could be our personal solution to the dichotomy of green power and global warming. Flatulence features in Frenchwoman’s Left Antenna’s most recent post.

It could be that nature's flatulence is our gain, but our flatulence is nature's misfortune. I don’t know, maybe our gaseous gifts are appreciated. But methane is one of the big three greenhouse gases, and two of the biggest producers of it are cows, (no surprise there), and termites. One species of termite is ecologically sound though, it has learnt how to rub its back legs together to produce enough heat to be able to light the farts. This has given it a real advantage in life; it is able to burn its way through obstacles with a micro-, no, nano-blowtorch cutter. And, of course, it doesn't produce anything like the normal quantity of methane that other living species do, it simply generates lots of water vapour and carbon-dioxide. If only we could breed millions of these little wonders and use their generated heat to power boilers that would generate steam and make electricity for us.

But Gillian ‘let-me-sniff-your-shit-on-television’ has a cure for flatulence on her website. It must be a drawback of high-fibre diets, together with floating turds that just will not go away. It (the cure), is my old favourite, miso soup. Miso is a fermentation of various things, soya beans, barley, always vegetable however, so this following recipe is aimed at you all out there, belching and farting uncontrollably on your green diets.

I used to look forward to my lunchtime meal every day in Japan; a pre-packed affair couriered in on the back of a Honda 50. Inside a beautifully lacquered box would be a selection of sushi bits or udon noodles, or maybe some tempura, and always a fascinating little mini-wok containing miso soup. Lunchtime miso soup always differed from breakfast soup, it had less cloudiness, and always had chopped bean-curd cubes and a small hard-boiled egg in it.

I found packets of miso soup in a supermarket back in England, one variety was sealed sachets of miso paste and seaweed, the other was a freeze-dried powder which had an unfortunate burnt taste to it. Sadly, the freeze-dried variety is the only one I have regularly found. Recently, in Waitrose, I found a plastic Noodle Wok on sale, full of dried noodles. I bought one, got rid of the noodles as soon as I decently could, and found that my local health food shop sold bags of miso paste, and dried seaweed.

So here is today’s hot tip – DIY miso soup to flatten your flatulence.

Step one, get one of these.


















It’s a two-part plastic container that is filled with hot liquid. As it cools, the vacuum that is created draws the two halves together, sealing the lid tightly. I wouldn’t suggest that it could be inverted, but it certainly holds tightly against accidental spillage.















So, first put a teaspoon of miso paste into the bottom, pour in boiling water, and add some dried seaweed.

Close the lid, and let it cook for a few minutes. The nori seaweed softens immediately, but the wakame needs about five minutes to soften to a wonderfully chewy texture.

To open it, gently press in two sides of the lid to crack the vacuum seal, and then enjoy.



By the way, miso soup should be stirred, not shaken. Staring at the swirling patterns of the sediment can induce a wonderfully contemplative mood. Perfect if you want to ignore that irritating person with the loud voice at the hotel breakfast. Alternatively, forget about the miso soup and just fart or belch loudly.