My Swearing Lady

An adaptation of the work by George Bernard Shaw, disgracefully condensed, expunged of all sissy characters with no significant role, de-bowdlerised, and presented for the wearers of the emblem, by The Sopwith-Camel.

(Opening scene, the camera tracks up a flight of stairs following Eliza Doolittle, who follows Mrs Pearce up towards the first floor landing. Both women climb the stairs in synchronization, showing alternately flashes of left stockinged and then right stockinged calves over patent leather ankle boots. Camera halts just behind Eliza at shoulder-level as Mrs Pearce knocks on the door, then turns to look at Eliza with disdain.)

Cut to Professor Higgins' study, where the Professor and Colonel Pickering look up.

Professor Higgins "Do please come in, Mrs Pearce."

The door opens and Mrs Pearce's bosom enters. She struggles to keep Eliza from ducking past her rump into the room.

Mrs. Pearce " Professor, there is a young, um," (pauses for a distinct moment), "woman, who claims she has been invited to visit you."

Professor Higgins. "Ah, the swearing flower girl, I believe. Yes, Mrs Pearce, she may enter."

Close up on Mrs Pearce's disapproving face as she steps further into the room propelled by an eager Eliza.

Pan to follow Eliza as she looks around the room.

Eliza "Gor blimey, right fuckin' posh number you've got here, innit, ya cunt."

Cut to a shocked Mrs Pearce, clapping her hands to her ears.

Pan back to Professor Higgins "Quite, quite." (Turns) "Colonel Pickering, please allow me to present to you Miss Eliza Doolittle."

Colonel Pickering (bowing slightly) "Charmed, m'dear."

Eliza (curtsey's) "Too fuckin' right, mate."

Professor Higgins, to Colonel Pickering "Well then, Pickering, here's a challenge, one hundred guineas says I can have this foul-mouthed little creature of the gutters talking like a true-blue lady at Ascot in just a fortnight."

Eliza "Oi you fucker, I ain't foul, I washes me mouth out every fuckin' morning and every fuckin' evening, cunt!"

Colonel Pickering (shaking Professor Higgins' hand) "You have a wager, my friend, and I have to say, you've got your work cut out. Oh Good Lord, your woman's taken a turn."

Pan to Mrs Pearce as her eyes roll up and she swoons to the floor.

Professor Higgins "Don't worry, old man, she often has these little spells, probably over-done the lacing again. Just wave something from a bottle under her nose, it usually perks her up."

Camera follows Colonel Pickering bending over Mrs Pearce, loosening any laces he can find, then pans back to Professor Higgins taking Eliza by the arm and ushering her towards the laboratory door. She turns to look back.

Eliza "Hey mister, yer pervert friend's only groping yer missus's tits, innit!"

Cut to Colonel Pickering glancing up with a guilty look.

Colonel Pickering "Er, can't find the smelling salts, I thought this might be the quickest way to arouse her, I mean, bring her to her senses."

Professor Higgins "You're a brave man, Pickering. Do join us in the laboratory when you're ready, I should like you to observe the process."

Colonel Pickering "I'll be with you in a moment, just as soon as I've checked on Mrs Pearce."

Camera shot of Professor Higgins and Eliza as they leave and the door swings closed. Pan to Colonel Pickering and Mrs Pearce, who has just opened her eyes. We watch as she glances down to see her bosom loose, and then looks quickly back up at Colonel Pickering, suspicion growing on her face.

Colonel Pickering "Um, you see, as you fell, the doorknob caught your dress and pulled it off. I was just trying to fit everything back into place."

Fade quickly to

The inside of Professor Higgins' laboratory. Eliza sits in a chair with her wrists secured to each arm with leather straps. Professor Higgins is bending over her, doing something with a pair of wires, while Colonel Pickering sniffs a decanter suspiciously, and then takes a sip.

Eliza "Oi,cunt, what the fuck do you think you're fuckin' doing to me fuckin nips?"

Cut to Colonel Pickering shuddering slightly, then taking a deeper drink.

Professor Higgins, straightening up. "Eliza, let's try calling them areoles, from now on."

Eliza "Now you're fuckin avin' a laugh, innit. Me ear'oles is either side of me fuckin' 'ead, and you can stay away from any of me other 'oles as well, cunt. I'm a good girl, I am."

Professor Higgins "Of course you are, Eliza, and in this instance, good is as good is taught. Now then, just a little bit of calibration. Would you please listen to what I say and then recite it back to me, precisely as you hear it. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."

Eliza "The fuckin' rain in fuckin' Spain falls mainly on the fuckin' plain, innit, cunt."

Colonel Pickering covers his eyes and with the other hand, pats his wallet reassuringly.

Professor Higgins, turning a polished wooden knob slightly "Fine, fine. Four-tenths." (He flips a lever over briskly beside the dial) "Now then, let us begin. Say it again, my dear, if you would be so good."

Cut to Eliza "The fuckin' " (jumps slightly) "Oooh! rain in fuckin Spain!" (Her voice rises rapidly to a questioning wail as the syllable ends). "'Ey, something just bit me in the tit, innit."

Camera pulls back to Professor Higgins as he says "Not quite, Eliza, just a mild application of the new wonder force called electricity. Now, again, if you would be so good"

Close-up on the dial as we hear Eliza continuing to recite the line, The needle jumps at each expletive, which is followed by a fresh expletive, giving yet another twitch of the needle. Fade down sound.

Cut to outside the laboratory door where Mrs Pearce is kneeling, listening. As Eliza's squeals can be heard through the woodwork Mrs Pearce begins to stroke her left breast through the silk blouse. The camera moves purposefully forward as the fingernail circles closer in, and just as it reaches the position of the silk-covered nipple we fade to black, outside to centre.

Camera opens on Eliza and Professor Higgins standing at the entrance to the Ascot enclosure. Eliza looks around her, very poised and self composed, and we move in for a close-up as she turns to Professor Higgins.

Eliza (She speaks delicately but with a precision and manner suggesting she has never spoken otherwise,) "I feel apprehensive, Professor. It is far too soon, you have rushed me here. I fear that I will let you down."

Professor Higgins "Nonsense, Eliza, you have come here at your own good pace. Have faith in the marvels of modern science, and today you shall vindicate the method of selective aversion therapy."

Eliza "And, I believe, contribute somewhat towards your acquisition of one hundred guineas, dear Professor."

Cut to Professor Higgins' face. He looks mildly concerned.

Professor Higgins "The amount is quite trivial, I assure you. My interest is more in the challenge of scientific application. The money is a mere trifle."

Eliza "So you won't mind sharing some with me, I presume?"

Professor Higgins stiffens slightly. Almost beneath our hearing, Eliza's voice whispers "innit, cunt"

Professor Higgins, pausing for just a moment "Well, shall we say twenty percent?"

Cut to Eliza, raising an eyebrow. Close up of her mouth, just starting to form the letter F.

Professor Higgins "Forty?"

Close up of Eliza looking mischievous, still waiting, still ready with an F.

Professor Higgins "I suppose we could make it fifty-fifty. Less, of course, essential expenditure. Room hire, electricity, leasing of scientific apparatus."

They exchange a knowing glance.

Camera pull-back from them and swing around, keeping them in shot, to show Colonel Pickering approaching, escorting the Lady Eleanor Erstwhile-Jones. Close in slowly on the Colonel and Lady, with Eliza and the Professor left of scene, as the two groups meet.

Colonel Pickering "Good afternoon, Professor, and to your companion." (raising hat). "May I have the honour of introducing the Lady Eleanor Erstwhile-Jones."

Professor Higgins, bowing slightly "I am indeed well acquainted with the lady. May I in turn present to you both Miss Eliza Doolittle."

We watch Eliza and the Lady Eleanor Erstwhile-Jones greet each other and see but do not hear their pleasantries.

Colonel Pickering shakes Professor Higgins by the hand, then looks questioningly towards the enclosures. Professor Higgins nods his head and motions the Colonel. The Colonel turns and offers an arm to Eliza, who accepts it, nods farewell to Lady Eleanor Erstwhile-Jones. The camera follows them as they stroll together into the busy enclosure, then pulls back to Lady Eleanor Erstwhile-Jones, who taps on Professor Higgins' sleeve.

Lady Eleanor Erstwhile-Jones "A quick word in confidence, if I may."

Professor Higgins, nodding, moves closer.

The camera closes on on them. We hear Lady Eleanor Erstwhile-Jones murmer "I was getting out of the carriage today and caught my hem, and I said the F-word."

Professor Higgins raises an eyebrow in surprise. "Did it slip gently out?"

Lady Eleanor Erstwhile-Jones "Volleyed forth, more like. Quite stunned the coachman. How permanent is your method, Professor Higgins?"

Professor Higgins, grudgingly "It sometimes requires a minor reinforcement."

We watch as Professor Higgins opens a pocket book and scans rapidly through it. He snaps it shut. "I could fit you in for an emergency session Tuesday next, perhaps?"

Lady Eleanor Erstwhile-Jones "I am to attend the royal ball tonight, Tuesday simply will not do."

Professor Higgins, offering his arm. "Well, then, we shall have to sort something out this afternoon, shan't we?"

Camera pulls back, then fades to black.

The End

(Innit, cunts).